Very Precise Schedule of Rally Timeline
Each rally follows the same format: starting line, driving like a loon and saving the world, finish line. Below, please find a thoroughly documented, to-the-second run list for the event, including exact starting and finishing time, which we've synchronized with several geosynchronous satellites and an atomic clock in Geneva:
the starting line
Did you ever read Ka-Zar? You know, back when you were about the size of a fire hydrant, and flipping through 75 cent comics? And Ka-Zar lived in this place called The Savage Land, a prehistoric tropical reserve hidden in Antartica? Created by the Nuwali at the behest of the Beyonders? And it was lush and dangerous and chockablock with tricera-whatevers and probably ferns? But anyway it was hidden away from everybody and nobody knew where it was? As in it was a secret? From everybody? Where it was?
The Finish Line
Imagine, if you will, driving in American darkness for 15 hours, desperately trying to find ghost towns or dilapidated dinosaurs or who knows what else, kept company only by an increasingly stinky cadre of costumed friends and the last vestiges of beef jerky, chased by a horde of egg-throwing warboys, and then finally, finally arriving at ye olde paragon of comfort, a roadside inn, and collapsing into a bed where countless strangers have vigorously boned before. That glory can be yours, friend.
the bestowing of awards and kudos
At journey's end, what a manthing or woman-person needs is not a drinks-filled scrum in some woebegone small town bar, filled wall to wood-panelled wall with smellier-than-thou hoodlums, all half-dressed in costumes and frothing from the nose. But that's what you'll get. You'll get it and you'll like it and you'll never have more fun, not ever ever ever, amen.