Dear Sir or Madame,
Have you ever truly lived?
Ever dodged an egg fired from a nitrous-powered piece of PVC pipe? Humped an M65 Atomic Cannon on a military base while scream-singing "God of Thunder" in zebra leggings? Explored an abandoned psych ward at 3am? Driven a pirate bus through the Mojave?
Have you, while dressed in a feather-covered onesie, ever calmly ordered doublestack pancakes from a bewildered Denny's waitress while, just behind you out the window, a portly Asian man in a chef's toque cackled maniacally while dumping flour into the air intake valves of parked cars?
Ever shot pool at 8am in a one-donkey Arizona town while a long haul trucker, wearing a cut-off t-shirt that says "Boobs" and straw-slurping his first mango vodka slushy of the day, explained how he once dumped fourteen tons of "mink shit" on Christopher Lloyd's house, and that's how they became friends?
And have you ever woken up, mysterious hours and many miles later, in the Marlboro-y mists of a casino, arm crooked across a one- armed bandit, plastic cup of quarters at your side, a tattoo that says Taking Care of Business written in TrueMate pen on your bicep, and your lower half still wearing a Pikachu costume that smells of rotten eggs and, wait, is it? Yes, yes I believe that is ... pancake syrup?
Of course you have.
We've all been there.
So allow me to rephrase.
How would you, sir or madame, like to spend an evening (and some ample portion of the following day!) in the rousing company of America's finest patriots as we take it, Doobie Brothers style, to the streets?
Then you're in luck! The gracious, magnanimous, and only slightly disorganized Grand Septums of The Order of The Shadow Government, handsome men all, lovers of all things high in octane and supporters of ye olde Oxford comma, do hereby invite you to partake in the four-wheeled tournament of champions known as Rental Car Rally, exclamation point, exclamation point, fireworks, big finish, gesticulating like Brad Pitt in Twelve Monkeys, curtsey, and taaaa-da !!
And so, you may say as you arch a querying eyebrow: what is this Rental Car Rally of which you speak?
Well, since you asked in such impeccable English, click the button below and all shall be revealed: